Thanks for Sharing: A Guide to Facebook Statuses

A lot of things about Facebook have changed (for better or for worse) since its inception. One of the staples of the Facebook experience, the status update, has developed over the years, but not entirely because of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempts to turn Facebook into a Twitter clone. Yea, gone are the times of simple status update suggestions like “___ is tired”. Statuses commonly fall into one or more of these categories.

[The Fisher]

What to look for:
“OMG my life sux... hate my job! Sooo depressed, had the worst day EVAR!!1 FML”

Statuses of this type can be used solely for the purpose of trolling for comments. They tend to be thinly veiled attempts at best. For example, “I’m bored” sounds less desperate than “anyone wanna to hang out? Call 555-7913 plz!”. This is usually written in an attempt to get attention and pity by telling everyone how terrible your life is. Note the “FML” at the end, which lets you know that they REALLY hate their life right now.

[The Lyricist]

What to look for:
“Heaven's gates won't open up for me With these broken wings I'm fallin' And all I see is you”

This is essentially an attempt to express your thoughts/feelings with a song. It’s also a chance to make everyone despise you, especially since you’re being just as unoriginal and annoying as the Nickelback song you’re quoting.

[The Daily Agenda]

What to look for:
“gym then tanning then work then movie then drinking with the boys”

This one gives a condensed history of everything that you’re doing today, just in case someone hasn’t already subscribed to your Twitter account.

[The Non Sequitur]

What to look for:
“ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!”

These come in all shapes and sizes, and as you might have guessed, have nothing to do with the person’s status. Popular forms of this are fun facts, witty sayings, inspirational quotes, or pop culture references.

[The Social Billboard]

What to look for:
“Going out and gettin wasted w/ my bros. Fuck YEAH!!”

While not all of them necessarily involve drinking with your bros, they are often used to promote events that you plan to attend or want others to attend. This type of status can also be used to make it look that you actually do interesting things on a Friday night, instead of sitting on your couch watching Family Guy reruns.

Granted, these don’t cover everything, but it represents the important ones. If there’s anything I missed, or you are personally offended, feel free to post it in your status. Cheers.